I Wish I Could Tell You

Do you remember that time you were thirteen and you felt that you had no future ahead of you? I wish I could tell you how life is now. You grew up in a environment that made you so bitter. I don’t blame you for being the way you were. I imagine you every so often and I get this gut feeling that you needed someone there for you. You used to do this thing where you would pick up self destructive habits to feel something because you felt numb. I am from the bottom of my heart sorry for not being there for you.

Some memories strike my mind when I go through something in my reality now. Every break up I go through today, I compare to how you would have went through it as a teenager. You felt everything so deeply and you took everything so hard. We live in two different worlds though. You constantly had the walls caving in at the sight of a pen drop. I build my walls high and strong. I feel like you needed a vacation at such a young age. I can take a vacation now and go wherever I want. I can also do it by myself without unwanted company. Why were you so afraid of being alone?

I would have raised you differently, you know? I would have been there to teach you how to brush your teeth and how to fix your hair. I would have made you feel beautiful because you were. I would make sure you knew I was there for you at any point of the changes in your life. I wish I could tell you this now. I don’t remember where you went and how you left. I tell myself you are still lingering around waiting to show yourself again. If you are still around I want you to know it is okay to not be okay.

Do you remember your old friends and how they made you feel like shit? I remember when you would try to impress everyone because you wanted to seem edgy. You wanted people to believe you were someone you were not. I always thought you were cooler with your normal personality. You never had to impress anyone darling. I wish I could tell you that.

Your thoughts are now my memory and I get the privilege of putting them wherever I want. There is one memory that I can’t seem to put anywhere. It’s almost like I can see and feel everything you did in that moment. I can hear the baby crying in the next room and I can see the ants crawling on different objects. I can remember the thought you had in your mind, “ we don’t deserve this life”. What life did you deserve? Ideally what was it that you wanted? Was it at that point in time that everything changed? Is this where you decided feelings/emotions can not play a role anymore?

I wish I could tell you how hard it was to feel again. After years of you turning off your emotions. I still feel selfish and self centred. I love that I yarn to have someone here to take care of me but I will never allow them to. How can I blame a kid for the present of my life? I guess that I can’t.

I wish I could tell you that you made it. There are certain things you wanted that I don’t have but you made it. You have the house, car, dog, friends, job and you’re beautiful. You would think I was lying if I told you this. I swear that everything you went through was worth it. I wish I could tell you.

Related posts:

Some people grow up in the church profoundly uncomfortable with the whole thing, not just because of old ladies who smell funny or having to sit through Sunday “school” when the backyard is calling…