This is Motherhood

They tell you a lot of things about new motherhood. Here’s what they forgot to say…

You may have been trying for months. Years. Or it may have happened quickly. You may have thought it would never happen. You may have not been expecting it at all. But one day, there it was. And you knew.

And it changed everything.

In one instant, your whole world was different. In one split second, everything was turned upside down. Maybe in a happy way. Maybe in a terrifying way. Maybe even both. The complexity of the emotions you felt was hard to describe with words. Excited. Anxious. Worried. Overjoyed. Overwhelmed. You knew nothing would ever be the same, but oh, Mama, you had no idea how much it would change.

Because no one told you that you would be meeting someone completely different. And it wouldn’t be your baby. It would be you.

No one told you how you’d worry about the wellbeing of this child before you even met her. A new, unique human being, growing inside you. With her own DNA, nurtured by your body but with a body all her own, growing and changing with each passing day.

They told you the excitement you’d feel when you first felt her kick. They told you that there would be many, many sacrifices. But Mama, you had no idea what that really meant.

They told you that you would feel a love like no other, and they were right. But they didn’t tell you that maybe those first few days it wouldn’t feel real, she wouldn’t feel yours. Or that it would take a while for the two of you to get to know each other on the outside, until you could recognize the difference between a cry of hunger or pain or overtiredness.

They told you how this baby would depend on you, but they didn’t tell you that you’d completely forget about yourself in order to meet those needs. You willingly give her the best you have even if that means you have nothing left over for yourself. Time, energy, sanity. Nothing is off the table when it comes to her.

That it was not just the sleepless nights feeding him and changing his diapers, but the times you’d wake because you were dreaming he was in bed with you, tangled in the bedsheets. Or that even when he didn’t wake you. you couldn’t help but get up one more time to make sure he was breathing alright.

They didn’t tell you about the struggles of breastfeeding. The worry that you were feeding your baby enough. The pain of those first inexperienced latches, that leave your breasts cracked and raw. That you could feel so much satisfaction in knowing you are giving him all the nourishment he needs through your body, while simultaneously dreading having to feel that pain again. That sometimes, you’d think you just couldn’t do it anymore and you’d weep, feeling you were failing him.

They didn’t tell you that your body would feel bruised and broken in ways you never imagined. That you’d feel phantom aches and pains, that it would change in ways you didn’t think were possible. That you’d feel a level of exhaustion you’d never experienced before and yet somehow you’d find superhuman strength the second you heard that tiny whimper come from the bassinet. And that it would all be worth it knowing this broken body was the vessel that brought you her.

They forgot to tell you about the loneliness and isolation. That even though you’re never alone, you can feel like an island on most days. They told you you would miss your freedom, and you do. But did they tell you it would be this hard to be away from him? That even when you feel relief that he’s drifted to sleep and you can finally go to the bathroom, you’re still pulled back to look at his sweet face and risk waking him for one last kiss?

They forgot to mention the emotional rollercoaster of feeling such deep sorrow and mourning for your previous life while simultaneously feeling an overwhelming sense of joy and love for this tiny new being. The emotions that are sometimes so intense they frighten you, and you barely even recognize yourself.

They didn’t tell you the agony of when he is sick or in pain. That you’d wish you could take it all upon yourself even if it meant it would be tenfold. That you’d give your life to take away any of his sufferings.

They forgot to tell you that even when they are so small, at only a few weeks old they can tell you so much. That you know almost instinctively what she’s trying to tell you when she looks at you or makes the tiniest sound or gesture. And how something so small can give you such a boost in confidence.

You never imagined you’d stay awake worrying about how every little decision you make will affect the person they would grow up to be. What she eats, what she sees, how you guide and teach and nurture her from the start. Whether she will be strong and healthy and smart, but also kind and caring and good.

And even if they told you how much love and joy you would feel, you never could have pictured this, the most spectacular, indescribable, unconditional, deep euphoric feeling. Knowing this is the best thing that could ever happen, your biggest accomplishment, and your most cherished life project. That a single smile could make your heart burst and this unbreakable bond could be so strong.

And, sometimes too slowly but often too quickly, time passes and he grows and you feel your heart wanting to follow him everywhere he goes, and happily carry his troubles on your shoulders. And you feel the sharp sting of knowing that there will come a day when you won’t be able to.

So take in each moment, be patient and gentle, especially with yourself. Be kind to yourself, mama, and know that you’re doing so well. There’s no better mama for her than you, even on the toughest of days.

You are seen. You are understood. You’re not alone. We’re all in this together.

This is motherhood.

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