My addiction

My dad used to tell me, “yes but in moderation”. Everything always in moderation because, like I learned from Jackie Chan’s karate kid, too much of one thing is a bad thing. Even when I expand my mind and challenge long held principles, I find myself circling back to the idea of balance.

For this reason, the idea of an addiction has always been confined to behind the screens on which actors gave Oscar worthy performances, or limited to the verse of a song where an alternate reality was told through stories. I never really had the urge to smoke a cigarette, only ever picturing tar filled lungs at the thought. Don’t get me wrong, I drink to get drunk and down tequila shots like apple juice… don’t play. But alcohol was never a need, a must or even a want. It was just there. Addiction was therefore never in my mind.

But I think I may be addicted to you.

What other explanation is there. Months without contact but within seconds of your presence I feel myself slip. The way we merge into each other when we hug. The boundaries between where you start and I finish just fall away. I am my own person until I am with you. Then suddenly I’m yours, willingly surrendering myself. On the edge of my seat gripped by every word you utter. In need of your touch, that skin to skin contact.

And then when you leave I feel empty. Like I poured my whole self into you and you just took it away. Leaving nothing but an empty shell of a person.

I hate it.

There’s nothing casual about our interactions. Everytime is the collision of two worlds, a big bang creating an expansive awe provoking universe that I get completely lost in. The only issue is that my actual reality is left to wither away, neglected. I am not my own person when I am with you. Too much of you overpowers me because I am addicted.

This unsustainable relationship built on serotonin highs was destined to fail because u always crash after the last hit.

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