My fear of dating

This continuing isolation, by myself, day in and day out, has left so much time for reflection. Some days I feel as though there is nothing to do but confront my choices. How I have arrived at this place. At 38, I find myself very much alone, wanting a relationship, and yet terrified of dating, fearful of dating websites and apps. Catastrophizing an imaginary awkward date preemptively annoyed at having to spend hours on my phone flicking through superficial descriptions of strangers, secretly hoping that my superficial description is somehow appealing to them. Wishing for someone to engage with, whilst deeply fearing it.

You see I want a relationship, and yet up until a few months ago, the relationship I played out in my head, that I was subconsciously manifesting was one filled with doom, heartache, and judgment. The dream I would have repeatedly, my partner, a Jon Snow type who surfed, and I would be blissfully happy and then he would die tragically or my surfing Jon Snow would peak behind my facade and run screaming, far far away from my disgusting insides.

Feeling unloveable and yet desperately seeking love is not a great starting point when looking for a relationship. I knew this, that I was a bad judge of character when it came to dating men. I allowed myself to be belittled, manipulated, undermined, small, suffocated.

In my early years, I convinced myself it was all in my head, that my instincts were wrong. That my boyfriend definitely wouldn’t cheat on me, despite the overwhelming evidence. But even as a 34-year-old, my then live-in boyfriend would complain ‘why can’t you be a meek wife?’. And yet I stayed until he broke up with me months later telling me that I was just ‘too strong-willed.’ A blessing in disguise, as it was obvious I was going to put up with his awfulness.

Later I learned to recognize my instincts, and yet still I did nothing, said nothing, took no action. Only a couple of months ago I went on a date with a man, we went surfing (we can both surf), and yet he spent the entire time explaining to me how to surf. I stared at him in silence, excusing his behavior at first, ‘perhaps he’s just nervous’ I told myself. And yet he continued to explain and I continued to say nothing, chastising myself and my paralyzed vocal cords. When he asked me for a beer afterward to watch the sunset, I said yes, even though I wasn’t enjoying his company. When he kept repeating that ‘Chileans are very passionate’ (he was Chilean), I raised my eyebrows and took a sip of beer that I didn’t like, hoping he would pick up on my disinterested signals. When he quickly moved in for a kiss, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth, I jolted my head back, blurting out that ‘things were moving too fast’. He took this to mean that he needed to kiss slowly and went back in for another. It was relentless. And yet I wanted so much to say no, to tell this handsy, mansplaining dumb dumb to take a hike, and yet I couldn’t seem to say the words out loud. My vocal cords were disabled. I knew I didn’t like this person, and yet I didn’t run screaming. The date didn’t even end there.

I felt so ashamed telling my therapist a couple of days later of my complete inability to tell this guy to get his hands off me. It was then she shared that many women have issues with fighting against the compliance of men’s wishes. That the relentless cultural brainwashing we have experienced to please men, is so strong, that many of us experience the overwhelming pressure to please, to put their feelings first, and ourselves a distant second.

It was a relief to be able to hear that I wasn’t alone. A sad relief. My therapist and I then went back over the date and role-played some ways I could put in boundaries, practicing things I could say next time. Using the surprise kiss scenario, she encouraged me to articulate a boundary. I started with a gentle’ oh I’m not really into that’, which she gave a 1/10. ‘What would Lizzo say?’ she prompted. So we repeated the conversation half a dozen times, each time my coach asking me why I was being so soft, so gentle and diplomatic with my words. It was then I had to confess that I was worried about his feelings, how he would handle my rejection, and deep down that maybe he disregards my rejection and proceed anyways. I was surprised that I felt that way, that deep down I feared that this man might feel hurt by my rejection and would, in turn, hurt me. Sadly, also not an unusual fear for other women.

I’m slowly, starting to work on my fear of dating, and lately, I’ve even started to have dreams of having a genuinely loving and happy relationship, that isn’t filled with disaster and sadness. I think I’m still a way off from online dating, but I hope soon I’ll start to feel more confident in myself. That my belief that I’m worthy of having a genuine loving relationship grows. I don’t want to keep cutting myself out of the dating pool because I don’t trust myself to say what I want. I want that to change.

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