I Am Fully Supportive of Your Individual Freedom as Long as You Do What Benefits Me Politically

HUMOR

I hope that as a 43-year-old man who holds the highest political office in the state I can bully you teenagers into “choosing” to do what makes me look good.

A cornerstone of my political platform is that I am completely supportive of personal responsibility and individual liberty. That is why I, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, am accusing you, high school students, of being malevolent crisis actors for choosing to wear a mask in a pandemic.

As I say this in a tone that indicates otherwise, remember that I truly believe that everyone has the right to decide what is best for them without intrusion from the state, or from angry politicians looking to stage a media appearance that is definitely more accurately described using the word “theater” than you wearing a mask at your own discretion.

Let me hastily add that if you want to wear it, fine, but I hope that as a 43-year-old man who holds the highest political office in the state I can bully you teenagers into “choosing” to do what makes me look good. While some may think that my approach to expressing my sincere support for your freedom by yelling at you and calling you ridiculous is harsh, this is nothing I wouldn’t say to my own children.

Rather, I wouldn’t say this to my own children because they go to a private school with a mask mandate that I instruct them to follow. I wouldn't want them to risk something as important as their education just to make a political point on my behalf. No, that’s something I use other people’s children to do.

That is why I am taking action to ensure that the quality of public school education in Florida is sacrificed so that I may appeal to the racist and homophobic voter base I count on.

For example, everyone knows that the best way for you to form opinions and make decisions I completely support you making about important issues is with incomplete information. For that reason alone, and not my aforementioned political pandering to bigots, I am working hard to provide students like you with the freedom to be banned…

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